Joke Machine Empire

Best Jokes in the World and Home to 72 Welker Jokes

 Vanilla flavoring is sometimes made with an ingredient from beaver pee.
 India has a Bill of Rights for cows.
 In Mexico, the Tooth Fairy is known as the 'Tooth Mouse'
 In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog!
 In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
 In Quitman, Georgia, US, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
 In France, it is legal to marry a dead person!
 In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits
 Moscow weathermen can be fined for inaccurate weather forecasting!
 In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee.
 It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.(GA)
 Tipping at a restaurant in Iceland is considered an insult.
 Until the 1960's men with long hair were not allowed to enter Disneyland
 It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland!
 It was illegal to sell E.T. dolls in France because there is a law against selling dolls without human faces.
 It is illegal to mispronounce 'Arkansas' while in the state of Arkansas!
 It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary.
 In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits
 First-cousin marriages are legal in Utah, so long as both parties are 65 or older!
 A Russian man who wore a beard during the time of Peter the Great had to pay a special tax.
 Drivers kill more deer than hunters.
 A dork is a whale's penis
 There are some species of snails that are extremely venomous
 The penis of a barnacle may reach up to 20 times its body size!
 The only food that cockroaches wont eat are Cucumbers!
 Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
 A blue whale's heart is the size of a Volkswagen Beetle!
 The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer
 Walt Disney, the creator of Mickey Mouse, was afraid of mice
 Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots!
 Elvis Presley got a 'C' in his eighth grade music class.
 80% of all pictures on the internet are of naked women
 President George W. Bush was once a cheerleader!
 The Yo-Yo originated as a weapon in the Philippine Islands during the sixteenth century.
 The U.S. has more bagpipe bands than Scotland does.
 One in three male motorists picks their nose while driving.
 In Japan, it is completely acceptable to name your child "Buttocks" or "Prostitute".
 In 1895 Hampshire police handed out the first ever speeding ticket, fining a man for doing 6mph!
 In ancient Japan, public contests were held to see who could fart the loudest and longest!
 Each year, there are more than 40,000 toilet related injuries in the United States.
 In Japan, condoms are commonly sold 'door to door'!
 Until President Kennedy was killed, it wasn't a federal crime to assassinate the President.
 In 1980, the city of Detroit presented Saddam Hussein with a key to the city
 Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
 The number of births that occur in India each year is higher than the entire population of Australia.
 A survey reported that 12% of Americans think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife
 The word 'gymnasium' comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means 'to exercise naked.'"
 More people in China speak English than in the United States.
 In England, in the 1880's, 'Pants' was considered a dirty word.
 The people most often killed in robberies are the robbers.
 As a teenager, Obama took drugs including marijuana and cocaine
 Malaysians protect their babies from disease by bathing them in beer.
 2,500 newborn babies will be dropped in the next month.
 President George W. Bush and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner are cousins!
 George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
 Former U.S. President Franklin Pierce was arrested during his term as President for running over an old lady with his horse, but the charges were later dropped.
 The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
 The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
 1/3 of Taiwanese funeral processions include a stripper.
 The Bible is the most-shoplifted book in the world.
 Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
 Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.
 In 1910 football teams were penalized 15 yards for an incompleted forward pass.
 There are only 14 blimps in the world.
 More than 3000 people auditioned for Afghan model in 2009. Only 10 were women.
 The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
 Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear trousers.
 A North Carolina Furniture Store, The Red House has a slogan of “Where black people and white people buy furniture”
 Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
 More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
 Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.
 A Swiss ski resort announced it would combat global warming by wrapping its mountain glaciers in aluminum foil to keep them from melting.
 A Nigerian woman was caught entering the UK with 104 kg of snails in her baggage.
 Microsoft threatened 17 year old Mike Rowe with a lawsuit after the young man launched a website named MikeRoweSoft.com. He later said “Since my name is Mike Rowe, I thought it would be funny to add 'soft' to the end of it.”
 Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
 Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton Look-Alike contest.
 An average of 100 people choke to death on ball point pens each year.
 The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.
 Ted Turner owns 5% of New Mexico.
 There is a new television show on a British cable called "Watching Paint Dry". Viewers watch in real-time. Gloss, semi-gloss, matte, satin, you name it. Then viewers vote out their least favorite.
 A party boat filled with 60 men and women capsized in Texas after all the passengers rushed to one side as the boat passed a nude beach.
 Villanova University's commencement speaker this year is the actor who plays Big Bird.
 Oslo, Norway is the world's most expensive city. A gallon on gas costs almost $5, and it costs $1.32 to use the public restrooms.
 A private elementary school in Alexandria, Virginia, accidentally served margaritas to its schoolchildren, thinking it was limeade.
 Each year, more people are killed by teddy bears than by grizzly bears.
 George Washington spent about 7% of his annual salary on liquor.
 Nearly one third of New York City public school teachers send their own children to private schools.
 The New York Jets were unable to find hotel rooms for a game in Indianapolis recently because they had all been booked up by people attending Gencon, a gaming convention
 In September 2004, a Minnesota state trooper issued a speeding ticket to a motorcyclist who was clocked at 205 mph.
 Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.



  • The founder of Socialism, Karl Marx lived in a 4.8 million dollar home
  • The First person in the world to document that 9-11 was a terrorist attack was Howard Stern
  • Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." William Jefferson Clinton is the second.
  • 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
  • 5% of Canadians don't know the first 7 words of the Canadian anthem, but know the first 9 of the American anthem
  • 7% of Americans don't know the first 9 words of the American anthem, but know the first 7 of the Canadian anthem
  • A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!
  • Actor Tommy Lee Jones and former vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
  • Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
  • David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie
  • If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4,950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
  • If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  • In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
  • Rhode Island and Iowa both have 3 syllables
  • Montpelier, VT is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
  • Australia, France, Great Britain, Greece, and Switzerland - have been represented at all Summer Olympic Games. Greece is the only one to have participated under its own flag in all Games.
  • Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
  • The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth.
  • The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
  • The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
  • The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
  • The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
  • The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
  • The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
  • The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
  • The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
  • The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children.
  • The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-O.
  • The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
  • There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
  • The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses
  • Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that this was the day of the changeover.
  • When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
  • The lion used in the original MGM movie logo killed its trainer and two assistants the day after the logo was filmed.
  • In 2004, a lab at a university in Texas received a $6 million federal grant to breed radioactive armadillos for possible use in warfare.
  • The face of Uncle Sam, the fictional personification of the United States, was modeled after a door-to-door salesman from Canada.
  • High-heeled shoes were originally designed for male aristocrats.
  • The museum that housed the largest collection of original Smokey the Bear memorabilia was burned to the ground by an arsonist.
  • A wishing well in Las Vegas holds the record as the world's most lucrative. On some holidays, its profit rivals that of nearby casinos.
  • The first hair dryer was powered by diesel fuel.
  • The tomato has been brought back from the verge of extinction at least three times since it was first domesticated.
  • Walt Disney was supposed to be on board the B-25 bomber that crashed into the Empire State Building on July 28, 1945.
  • President Abraham Lincoln and his assassin John Wilkes Booth shared an uncommon musical ability – both men were harmonica virtuosos.
  • Civil War Confederate General Robert E. Lee lost control of his bladder while surrendering to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox
  • Salvador Dali broke his jaw while putting his fist in his mouth as a party trick. He was trying to impress the woman who would later become his wife.
  • In a Cold War coincidence, an American spy and a Russian spy were both given the same code name: "Platypus."
  • Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, who popularized the guillotine in France, lost his left hand in the device.
  • The pope's official barber, who cuts only the pope's hair, earns an annual salary equivalent to $250,000 (US).
  • NASCAR was once courted by Japanese investors in a bid to launch "NASCAR Japan," which would have featured full-sized cars driven by radio control
  • In 1986, a Russian submarine almost launched a nuclear attack on the U.S. when its radar erroneously identified an arctic seal as an incoming torpedo.
  • The character of Optimums Prime on the popular 1980s animated television series "Transformers" was originally written to speak with a Jamaican accent.
  • Fable writer Aesop, who married/divorced at least fifty women, was fond of nontraditional unions. He wed his daughter, his sister and his own mother.
  • There really was an "Old MacDonald." Tragically, the subject of the children’s' song killed his wife and then himself in a 19th century murder/suicide.
  • Just 48 hours before Charles Lindbergh's historic flight, a rival pilot was caught trying to pour sugar into the fuel tank of Lindbergh's plane.
  • Contrary to popular belief, bagpipes originated in India.
  • A government laboratory in Beijing uses electric eels to predict the time and location of earthquakes. In 2005, its accuracy rate was 89 percent.
  • Elected officials in Mexico's Oaxaca state receive one free case of tequila every month for the duration of their terms.
  • Famed Italian explorer Marco Polo never learned to swim.
  • The word "dictionary" was not included in the first dictionary.
  • A novelty pet store in Japan sells live seahorses equipped with tiny saddles.
  • Albert Einstein could never remember his own phone number.
  • Flying champagne corks cause an average of 250 eye injuries worldwide every year.
  • Plaid is the national color of Scotland.
  • The most lucrative bank heist in history was orchestrated by a group of elderly nuns.
  • The world's first billboard was used to advertise moustache wax.
  • Many Native Americans are highly allergic to marshmallows.
  • The first pornographic film was created by Thomas Edison's assistant.
  • Four-leaf clovers are created by the same mutation that causes conjoined twins
  • In Vietnam, it is illegal to own more than one home.
  • "American" cheese was invented by a chemist in the German military.
  • Between 1902 and 1912, agricultural/peanut pioneer George Washington Carver led three expeditions into British Columbia in search of Bigfoot.
  • President William Howard Taft was the inspiration for Popeye's nemesis, Brutus.
  • Martin Luther King Jr. lip-synched most of his famous "I Have a Dream" speech.
  • Laurel and Hardy were almost killed by a falling stage light on the set of their first film.
  • Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin wore a New York Yankees jersey under his flight suit during the first orbit of the Earth.
  • Abraham Lincoln was arrested for defecating in public at the age of 17. The charge was later dismissed and his record sealed.
  • The loser of a traditional medieval jousting match was expected to offer sexual favors to the winner.
  • The game of checkers is banned in North Korea.
  • Buzz Aldrin left a Playboy magazine on the surface of the moon.
  • Richard Nixon lost a Frisbee on the roof of the White House.
  • Professional sumo wrestlers pay income tax based on body weight.
  • The U.S. Constitution contains four sentence fragments
  • Notre Dame coach Knute Rockne survived a car crash, train derailment, sinking ship, house fire and a tornado before perishing in a plane crash.
  • Instead of wearing traditional pajamas, William Randolph Hearst preferred to sleep in a starched white dress shirt and necktie.
  • Whales, dolphins and apes are the only animals, other than humans, known to commit suicide.
  • American inventor Eli Whitney once tipped a bartender the modern equivalent of $10,000 for a glass of water.
  • Among the primitive paintings at Lascaux Cave, archaeologists have identified a series of marks believed to be a precursor to the game of tic-tac-toe.
  • Each year, more divers are injured by giant clams than by sharks.
  • A piece of French toast that was partially eaten by Justin Timberlake sold on eBay
  • Fred Rogers, better known as Mister Rogers, wore sweaters to conceal extensive forearm tattoos commemorating his short stint as a Merchant Marine.
  • Michael Jackson developed his signature move, the "moonwalk," while playing in his brother Tito's swimming pool.
  • In 1949, a Maine lobsterman slipped into a diabetic coma and was eaten by his catch.
  • Most bank robberies occur on Tuesdays.
  • George Washington never wore wooden dentures - but his horse did.
  • In the entire history of the MLB, 8% of all batters who stepped up to the plate has faced pitcher, Jamie Moyer
  • Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner is bisexual
  • 73% of the world's beer is consumed in China
  • In Hong Kong, a wife may legally kill her unfaithful husband, but she must do so with her bare hands.
  • In New Zealand, Students on their exams are allowed to use text-messaging language. Teachers must treat these abbreviations as standard English and may not penalize students.
  • Basant festival is an annual kite-flying competition in Pakistan that has caused the deaths of many. Competitors tie to their strings and kites sharp objects (such as knives, glass, and metal) to slash their opponents strings. However, many injuries and deaths occur from falling off roofs. The government has banned the competition the last few years.
  • According to Consumer Report (February 2007), taste testers preferred McDonald’s coffee over Starbucks’s.
  • In 2004, Singapore Airlines announced its new corpse cabinet for its new planes. The corpse cabinet will be used for storing bodies of passengers who pass away during a flight.
  • In 1930, two men drove their car backward from New York City to Los Angeles and back—nonstop. It took them 42 days.
  • In Dubai, in November, 2005, Michael Jackson walked into the ladies restroom in a shopping mall to fix his makeup.
  • Philadelphia Phillies were the first American sports team to lose their 10,000th game. In 2007, Ryan Howard struck out and ended the game marking the team’s 10,000th loss—Philadelphia fans cheered in celebration of this historical moment.
  • Australian rugby player Ben Czislowski felt the need to get medical help when his four-month headache was not going away. The doctor found an opponent’s tooth in Ben’s forehead.
  • On March 16, 2009, in Hilla, about 60 miles south of Baghdad, two local teams in Iraq were playing a heated game of soccer. Toward the end of the game, a fan shot dead a player of the opposing team who was about to score a goal
  • Steven Lipski, a Jersey City, New Jersey, councilman, urinated publically from a balcony of a Washington DC nightclub on people below.
  • A 28-year-old man from South Korea died while playing video games. He had been playing for 50 hours.
  • A man in Missouri was arrested for driving his riding lawnmower on Highway 40 while drunk. He did not have a driver’s license since it was revoked for drunken driving before the riding-lawnmower incident.
  • Paul Hunn holds the record for the loudest burp, which was 118.1 decibels, which is as loud as a chainsaw
  • A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana
  • In 1836, Mexican General Santa Anna held an elaborate state funeral for his amputated leg
  • Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."
  • Former U.S. President William Taft converted the White House stable into a four car garage in 1909
  • The last thing Elvis Presley ate before he died was four scoops of ice cream and 6 chocolate chip cookies
  • Thomas Edison designed a helicopter that would work with gunpowder. It ended up blowing up and also blew up his factory.
  • Mr. Butts invented the game SCRABBLE.
  • The game Monopoly was once very popular in Cuba; however, Fidel Castro ordered that all games be destroyed
  • There is a town in Texas called Ding Dong. In 1990, the population was only twenty-two people
  • Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald
  • It was believed by Ancient Hindus that the world was a sphere and rested on the back of four elephants, which stood on a turtle
  • In proportion, if Jupiter were a basketball, then the sun would be the size of the Louisiana Super Dome
  • Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world
  • In 1391, China began producing toliet paper for use by its Emperors
  • There is a town in Australia called Wagga Wagga
  • In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a fifty pound rock. More than twenty people witnessed the ceremony
  • In 1946, the New York Yankees became the first baseball team to travel by plane
  • Over one million Pet Rocks were sold in 1975, makine Gary Dahl, of Los Gatos, California, a millionaire. He got the idea while joking with friends about his pet that was easy to take care of, which was a rock
  • In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry ice cream in your back pocket
  • Since the United Nations was founded in 1945, there have been 140 wars
  • 97% of all paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine
  • Eighty percent of 10 year old girls in the USA go on a diet
  • The monkey “Jocko Flocko” was the first monkey to win a NASCAR race, as he was in the passenger’s seat in Tim Flocks winning car at the Grand Nationals in 1953
  • The next race for “Jocko Flocko” cost Tim Flock $600 and a shot at the win at the Raleigh 300 because he got loose from his seat, went “berserk” by sticking his head out the window and forcing Flock to make a pit stop. Flock finished 3rd and “Jocko Flocko” was retired after the race
  • In 1916, an elephant was tried and hung for murder in Erwin, Tennessee
  • In the 1985 Boise, Idaho mayoral election, there were four write-in votes for Mr. Potato Head
  • Gloucestershire airport in England used to blast Tina Turner songs on its runways to scare birds away
  • Hitler and Napoleon both had only one tactical
  • In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans annually
  • In L.A., U.S.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide
  • A famous bullfighter, Lagarijo, killed 4,867 bulls in the 19th century.
  • The formula for Coca-Cola has never been patented
  • When Scott Paper Co. first started manufacturing toilet paper they did not put their name on the product because of embarrassment
  • In 1996, toy company Mattel released a "Harley Davidson" Barbie. This dolls distinctive feature is a birth mark on her face that changes position with every new release of the doll
  • A Blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant.
  • 250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
  • Laos is the most bombed country in the world.
  • Each year, 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
  • In 1943, the United States put a ban on sliced bread
  • Russian model Anna Selezneva was discovered at a McDonalds
  • The men's trampoline at the 2012 Olympics was won by Dong Dong
  • NASCAR driver Carl Edwards was a substitute teacher
  • It is impossibe to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian 
  • There is a county in California named Yolo
  • When giraffes are first born, they fall from 6.5 ft.
  • In England, suicide was against the law, the punishment was death.
  • 96% of people don't know that Osama Bin Ladin was a CIA agent in the 1980s
  • Spongebob has worked at the Krusty Krab for 31 years
  • There is a Disney comic where Mickey and Goofy sell drugs.
  • 40000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
  • An Indiana state prision allows murders to adopt cats in thier cells.
  • Nokia has invented a tattoo that vibrates when your phone rings.
  • The 2nd person to have survived falling down Niagra Falls died of slipping on an orange peel.
  • 1 in 3 dog owners said that they have talked to thier dogs over the phone.
  • The chicken is the closest living relative to the T-Rex.
  • 54% of women would rather be hit by a truck than to be fat.
  • The average person spends 3-4 years on the toilet.
  • A woman once called 911 because McDonalds had run out of McNuggets.
  • A couple got murderes because they de-frendied someone on facebook.
  • 53 year old Mark Martin is one of the only NASCAR drivers that like to rap music.
  • President Obama is part Irish and English.
  • YTHacker is both a computer hacker and a rapper!
  • More than 10 people a year are killed by vending machines

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